Sunday, June 11, 2017

Delete.

Clearing my photo album and deleting some old and unnecessary pictures. 

Came across some of you and some which reminded me of you. 

Deleted some of those too. 

How I wish I can completely delete you too. 


Sigh. 

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Inner Struggle

Everyday is a struggle with our own inner demons. 

Sometimes we win. 
Sometimes we lose, even after we put up a strong fight. 

What happens when we succumb?

Do we slowly lose ourselves? 
Do we apologise?
Do we move on? 

Will we find ourselves, again?




"All the gods, all the heavens, all the hells, are within you."

- Joseph Campbell

Thursday, August 11, 2016

My Sprinkle of Stardust

I still miss you. 
I still think of you everyday. 

And it's hard especially coz I can't msg you anymore. 

And it hurts to know that you do not care at all, anymore. I am nothing more than an insignificant piece of your past. 

We were nothing more than playmates. I was just someone for you to pass time with. 

That would be it if I choose to think the worse of you but I still feel that you are better than that. 

Perhaps I still should have listened to my brain than my heart and I wouldn't have landed myself in this mess and pit hole which I can't get out of. 

Will I really never hear from you ever again?
Will I ever be able to really move on?

The wound still feels raw. I can still feel the heartwrenching pain and I continue to feel it everyday. 

Will you forget about me?
Will I be forgotten?

Maybe You already have. 

This sucks. Really. I am trying. I really am. But nothing seems to be working. 

I know we were never meant to be and we were never meant to last. Though there was a fleeting phase when I thought you could be the one but alas. 

Good times really never last. 
In fact, nothing does. 

You changed, promises broke and all is lost. I lost you. 

When I see your last seen, I wonder if you're chatting up with another girl already. A girl who could possibly look like me but more age appropriate for your taste. 

How sad. Separated by more than a decade of time. 

I miss how you made me feel. How wanted and doted you made me feel. I miss how you hold me and my hand. I miss how you make me smile and laugh with your weird antics and lame jokes. 

I really do miss our happy times together, even more than I think about the 10 years I had with Mr L. Coz I could tell you cherished me more than he ever did. But it just wasn't enough for you. 

I wasn't enough. And I guess I never will be. 

I wish I can let you go like how you have let me go. And now I just wish we can be friends. 

Ohh how I wish for many a things... but we all know that wishes do not come true. 

You were my little sprinkle of stardust at the darkest time of my life. When you left, you left me in a darker place than I was in before. 

Yes, you meant so much to me and still do. But you will never know and most importantly, you do not care. 

=(

Saturday, August 06, 2016

Lost Forever

I guess you've shifted house. 
I guess I'll never see you again. 
I guess I'll never hear from you again. 

You really are lost forever, from me. 

This is really quite hard to bear, even though it's been 6 months since you ignored me. 

Everywhere I go, I still try to look for you. I hope I can see you again. I hope I can talk to you again. 

But I know chances are slim or even impossible. 

You're lost, forever. Aren't you? 

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Depressed

It's scary how everything drastically changes when someone stops caring. It's even scarier that humans are capable of this abrupt change overnight and stop caring. 

About one year ago, you said that you care about me and I was nice to talk to and you want to talk to me. 

Fast forward about 11 months, you want nothing to do with me. Your caring stopped. I was no longer nice to talk to. You no longer want to talk to me. 

I wish you hadn't try to fix me only to leave me with a bigger gap than what I had before. Coz you were so nice to me and made me so happy. 

I don't regret the great times and memories we shared. When I recall them, they do make me happy but only for a split moment then it's just overwhelming sadness. 

I just wish we can at least be friends. 

Sighs. 

It's really tiring to fake a smile everyday though it's easier coz people will then stop asking if I'm okay. But I really felt like crying today and did tear up in the office. 

Just felt a tad more depressd today than usual. 

I'm so tired. Tired of missing you. 

Monday, March 21, 2016

E m p t y

Got the bicycle but realised that it wasn't filling up the void in my heart like I thought it would. 

Now my heart feels even emptier. 

I try to be happy infront of people coz I don't want them to worry or ask, and they could also be having problems of their own. 

So I'm only left with my alone time to be sad, or just wallow in my sadness and self pity. 

I know in the grander scheme of things, my emotional and mental issues are minute. But to me, they are overwhelming me. I don't feel happy, at least not genuinely. 

I don't know how to be happy anymore. I forgot how to be happy on my own. 

I just feel empty, so very empty inside. 

Yes, I have XB and I love him very much but this void just seems unfillable by him. 

I am just super glad and relieved that I have him. I really can't imagine how shittier my life would be if I don't have him. 

That's my blessing in life - XB. 

I hope I can stop feeling so shitty and empty soon. 


"The Hurt were once The Brave."

Saturday, March 19, 2016

One year ago...

March 14, 2015

The day we got each other's mobile numbers. I was secretly feeling elated. Finally...

March 19, 2015

The day you first privately msg me to inform me that you won't be going to the cafe. The day when it all started. 


...
...
...

Fast forward one year later to present, it's been one month and 19 days since you started ignoring me. 

Our relationship/friendship couldn't even last a year. 

Why you choose to be strangers than be friends, I will never know why. 

Just like how sucky you made me feel, you will also never know. 

What a waste... =(

Sunday, March 06, 2016

Too young

I just have to constantly remind myself that you're only 21 years old. We were all dickheads when we were that age, even more so your generation. 

You may have an old soul but you're still young. 
You may be smart but your emotional maturity is still young. 

Ignoring people is not the only way out of things. Especially when we don't have bad blood. 

Yes, you do not have any accountability towards me. Coz honestly, who am I to you? Obviously not anyone important. 

It just hurts that you are ignoring me. And remembering that you used to care about me but not anymore. 

You are mean and cruel towards me. 

You are so bad. 

Friday, March 04, 2016

Weekends are cruel

The weekend is coming, again. 

Weekends keep coming, without fail. 

Weekends are cruel. 
They are a consistent weekly reminder that I lost him and he's gone. 

And I didn't even set this alarm. 

No more seeing him. 
No more hanging out. 
No more holding his hand. 
No more hugging him. 

No more seeing him smile. 

=(

Broken



How would I know that the one who fixed me then later broke me, again. 

Now I feel like I'm irreparable coz my heart feels like it's been shattered into a million pieces and stepped all over, by you. 

You who once fixed me, broke me again. 

I had rather you had left me broken then than fix me just to break me again. 

Always Leave



I'm never good enough. That's why people always leave me. 

I shall never bother letting anyone in EVER AGAIN!!!

Coz they aren't trustworthy. 
Coz they always leave. 

Dropped



Yes, they drop it everytime. Without fail. 

Now only XB is worthy of my genuine smile and love.

No one else is worth it, excluding my family. 

Everybody eventually always leave. Coz to them, I'm always an unworthy and replaceable commodity. 

I hate people. They're unreliable and full of lies. They change in a blink of an eye. They're selfish and cruel. They think for themselves only. 

I hate people. 

Thursday, March 03, 2016

遥远的近距离

你 好吗
我 好想你

可是我不可以再发简讯给你了

你刚才若有看到我
你也应该是 block 我了吧
可是我不会知道

看着你亮着灯的窗户
那么遥远的近距离
你早已把我搁置在墙外
留我一个人空荡荡的

想念喜欢我的你
想念疼惜我的你
想念照顾我的你
想念关心我的你
想念紧张我的你
想念搞笑的你
想念微笑的你

我好想念你
可是你不管了
一点都不理睬我了
朋友也不要当了

以前你说过的话
都已烟消云散了

以前我们快乐的时光
你都忘了吗

你知不知道我有多心痛

人不可靠 说变就变
可是人言 更可畏

I miss you. But you don't care. 

And that hurts. =(

Monday, February 29, 2016

Missing you

You were top of my list when I open my Whatsapp coz you were the one I msged most and frequent. But coz I said I'll give you space, I can't msg you anymore. 

Worse thing is I know you won't miss me msging you. You'll just be indifferent and probably even relieved that I've stopped msging you. 

I can't help but look back at the many times when I could have spent more time with you but I didn't. Those times when you truly did like me a lot. My first chance with you. 

Those times when I asked to go paw instead of spending it with you. Those times when I rather stay home with XB. Those times when I could have hugged you more and tighter. 

Those chances are gone. 

Now I'm just hoping for the chance to be friends with you. 

I really miss your cuddles and kisses. But I know they won't happen again. 

I miss you, a lot. :(

Do you care

One year ago. Wish I can just rewind time to one year ago from now. 

Maybe I'll say things differently, I'll act differently, and make decisions differently. 

Wish I could hold you in my arms again and have you cuddle me just as hard. Wish I could see your face, your smile and dimple one more time. Spend more time with you and treasure every second of it. 

The last three months were my second chance and I really did my best. But my best wasn't good enough I guess.

Just wish we could be friends. So sad and wasted to lose you as a friend. When I see links and photos but can't send you. I can always send you but knowing I'll get no response from you is heartbreaking. 

Any form of reply is better than no reply. 

Do you know how I feel? Do you even care?

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Gone

He's out but he's not out with me. =(

He doesn't seem affected at all. 

He's moved on. 

He's gone.